I
am officially in the second trimester of my pregnancy and we are so
happy and excited to meet out little baby boy (not 100% yet, but most
likely) in February 2016! I have never imagined I could be feeling as
proud and happy as I am every time I think about him growing inside me.
All that is important to me right now is for him to be healthy and safe.
How things change.. This is a new chapter for us and we love each day
of this process when we are preparing for our little munchkin to join
us. I am happy to share this news with you, especially since from now on
I can write about a whole bunch of new feelings, projects, knowledge,
experiences and plans. So much to look forward to.
I am keeping track of my baby's development and I am writing down all of the important milestones, checkups and my own feelings with this experience. I have been writing digital letters to my baby, which I will include in his baby book and give it to him one day, when he can appreciate it. I plan to read it to him while he is little, that he can learn how magical it was for our family to have him. I will not include all of the personal details in those letters (I may erase a few things in the end), but things in general. You can really go into too much detail and things can lose its charm. Here are my first thoughts, which I wrote down when I found out I was pregnant. Here is where my Journalist side shows itself :)
Dear baby,
Today
is the day I found out you exist. You are probably a size of a little
poppy seed inside my belly, I looked it up. Or maybe sesames seed, I am
not sure on how far along am I. I have been feeling that
something is going on with my body for a few weeks now. But I was a bit
reluctant to take a pregnancy test at first. I was loving my egoistic
way of life and I was scared of things to change. I loved drinking up to
4 or 5 coffees a day and enjoying the occasional glass of wine. Doing
exhausting daily exercises and taking anti-depressants made my life feel
comfortable. Not healthy, not right, just comfortable. There were years
of anxiety and panic attacks in my my I recovered from and I was scared
of making a change at that point in life. I was terrified I would get
panic attacks again. Then your daddy made me take the test – he said the
sooner we know, the better. Then something amazing happened – I fell in
love with the idea of you and all of my fears revolving around me just
disappeared. I don´t think about me in the same way as I did before. Now
I think about how my actions are going to affect you. And I have no
problem with not drinking coffee – I don´t even want it any more. I
stopped taking my pills and I feel better than ever! I consulted with my
doctor, off course and she was very happy to hear I am ready to take a
step forward in my treatment. I feel great. Because of you.
I
was scared for a few days, weeks of knowing you are coming into our
lives in less then 8 months. I am still scared for you, my baby. Are we
going to be a good enough parents? Are you going to be happy and secure
with us? I have no job at the time, we live in a one bedroom rental
apartment and I am afraid I am not able to give you everything you will
need. I am positive that I will not be able to give you everything you
will want in life. It is going to be an endless love for you, little one
and not all that much materialistic stuff.
I
hope to raise you right. I hope you are going to become a strong person
with the right values and perfect amount of self esteem. I hope you are
not going to be like me with my anxiety and panic attacks. I will not
let you see me behave like I used to, so that you will not copy my way
of dealing with life. I will show you how to be strong and courageous,
but still sensitive and emphatic to others. I will teach you how to
nurture your body and mind in the best way possible for you.
Your
life is already full of possibilities in my mind. I already think about
who you will become, even though I do not even know if you are a boy or
a girl. It doesn´t matter. You are mine and I love you so much already.
I would never imagine how much just the knowledge of your existence
would change my life. You made me a better person. And I cannot wait to
meet you, baby!
M.
M.
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